You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
