Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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