He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
