If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
