life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize