I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
