you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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