Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
