Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
