I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
