I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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