Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
