I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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