You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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