do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
