Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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