one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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