youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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