He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You left your phone here
Wait...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize