Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
