Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
