hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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