I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
