There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
