note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
