Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
