and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
