??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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