You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize