Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why do cheetos always look like penises
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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