i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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