You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
