i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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