Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize