Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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