Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
