who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
