I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
