cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
