If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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