Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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