There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize