I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
