I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
