there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
