Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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