Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
