Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I AM VODKA MAN
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
