why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
