I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
