D3 body, D1 cock
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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