U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
