Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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