I'm eating all of the evidence.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
