there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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