Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
