I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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