I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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