singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
