oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
