so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize