Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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