It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
